Starving for food, hungry for love and desperate for fame, the heavyweights of the Kiwi gossip trade have gone all Hollywood.
New Zealand's tabloid magazines have opted for celebrity fodder from further afield this week with an emaciated Victoria Beckham, eternal singleton Jennifer Aniston and irritating earth mother Angelina Jolie taking centre stage.
Woman's Day posts a skeletal Beckham cloaked in a purple sheath on its front cover. Praying mantis-like Posh has apparently shocked onlookers - yet again - with her frighteningly thin frame.
But don't worry, Beckham reveals she doesn't really have a eating disorder.
"I was never anorexic, I was never bulimic, but I was probably very close to it.
"I could tell you the fat content and calorie content of absolutely anything. I was obsessed. I began living on vegetables and nothing else. I used to chop up bowls of spinach and carrots and steam them or I'd just eat peas."
Phew, as long as you're eating peas you must be doing okay.
Elsewhere, the picture editor at New Idea must have shrieked with glee when she first spied this week's cover shot: Everyone's favourite girl next door, Jennifer Aniston, is spotted crying in public.
Luckily NI is here to tell us what prompted the outburst. Evidently Aniston has now reached "the lowest point in her personal life" and is struggling after being left on the shelf by legions of leading men.
"I'm not going to ignore the pink elephant in the living room. If I'm the emblem for 'This is what it looks like to be the lonely girl getting on with her life'', so be it", Aniston said.
The mag reveals that in 2005 Aniston said: "There's an amazing man wandering the streets right now who's the father of my children. In five years time, I'd hope to be married and have a kid."
NI brings her crashing back to earth. "Sadly, four years on, the dream is still eluding her", the magazine intones.
The mag sounds like a grandmother in a bad mood.
Over at Woman's Weekly Aniston's famous foe Angelina Jolie is "starved for love". She's probably just starving for some carbohydrates.
This perpetual hunger has allegedly been kick-started by her man hunk Brad Pitt's waning love for her.
Pitt told reporters that "children ... wasn't really what I was seeking" and his life with Jolie had its "aggravations and irritations".
And this week's local cringe inducing story has to go to NI's exclusive "shock confession" from TVNZ broadcaster Paul Henry.
Henry confesses his "love" for former adversary, ex-Prime Minister Helen Clark, and shares the romantic details of the day he and Clark spent together in the Big Apple.
The pair went to the Statue of Liberty, wore matching foam hats, shared burgers at a diner and went to an off-Broadway play before devouring a pizza over a "few bottles" of red wine, Henry told NI.
"She bought me a ticket to the play and we had most extraordinary conversations during the intermission, and then over pizza afterwards. It was a wonderful night"
Um does Clark's hubby Peter know about this?
Finally, the quote of the week comes from former Spice Girl turned aerobics instructor Mel B.
The mother of two began slimming down for the US Dancing with the Stars show which somehow led to her releasing a range of exercise videos.
But Mel B says her "amazing shape" is due to another kind of workout - having sex with her husband Stephen Belafonte five times a day.
"I'm a nymphomaniac. It's all-over body conditioning, after all."
There is such a thing as TMI, Mel.